I wish I could cry. I wish I could complain. I wish I could be afraid. I wish I could just collapse. It’s so difficult to show my emotions. I don’t have anyone to rely on. He left me when I needed him the most. Looking back, I think if he had stayed, he would have made it even worse, just like he did last year when my father died, or five months ago when I confided in him that I am on the spectrum. I can’t trust anyone. I can’t share my pain with anyone.
Life is too short for some people. Life is harder for some people. It’s even harder when you have no one to share the good times and the hard times. People just come and go, and you have to learn the hard way that even if there are people around you, no one truly cares about you.
Now, I am facing something even more daunting. I have been diagnosed with cancer, and in a few days, I will undergo surgery. The thought haunts me: what if this is it? What if this is the end? The fear is overwhelming, but I can’t allow myself to feel it. I can’t show it because my family will be scared, and I cannot be the one to put them through such hardship. I must bear my fear within myself and swallow the pain.
The weight of isolation is crushing. There are days when the silence becomes unbearable, and the absence of genuine connection feels like a void swallowing me whole. The longing for someone who understands, who cares, is a constant ache that never seems to fade.
now, as I prepare for this surgery, the fear of what might come next is something I must face alone.
Trust feels like an impossible concept. How can I trust when every attempt to open up has been met with betrayal or apathy? The walls I’ve built around my heart grow taller and thicker with each disappointment, each moment of pain.
Life’s brevity is a cruel reminder of the fleeting nature of everything, especially relationships. The harsh reality is that people often care only when it’s convenient for them. They drift in and out of your life, leaving you to pick up the pieces each time they leave.
But amidst the solitude and the sorrow, I am forced to find strength within myself. The resilience to keep going, even when it feels like the world is against me. The courage to face each day, despite the loneliness that lingers. And perhaps, one day, the hope that I will find someone who genuinely cares, who won’t leave when times get tough.
For now, I continue to navigate this journey alone, holding onto the fragments of strength and hope that remain. Because even in the darkest moments, there is a part of me that believes in the possibility of better days. And maybe, just maybe, that small spark of hope will be enough to carry me through.
As I face this surgery and the uncertain future, I will hold my fear close, hidden from those I love. I will swallow the pain and bear it alone, because that’s what I must do. For them. For myself. For the hope that one day, I will look back on this time and see how strong I truly was.
Marzieh B blog 