It got to me again, there is a monster within who wants to get out.
so in rage, so in pain, so alone…
it gets happy too fast and so excited, it gets upset so fast and so sad, there is no control whatsoever.
Chaos is my Name.
These words may resonate deeply with many who live with neurodivergent conditions, where emotional regulation is a constant and often overwhelming battle. The internal “monster” is not an enemy but a manifestation of the intense and fluctuating emotions that characterize conditions like ADHD, autism. Understanding this experience can help shed light on the daily realities faced by neurodivergent individuals.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
For many neurodivergent people, emotions are not just felt—they are experienced with a magnitude that can be both exhilarating and exhausting. Happiness can transform into euphoria at lightning speed, but this high can plummet into deep sadness or explosive anger just as quickly. This rapid emotional cycling is not a sign of weakness or instability but a hallmark of how their brains process and respond to the world.
“It gets happy too fast and so excited, it gets upset so fast and so sad.”
These swift changes can create a sense of being out of control, where one moment everything is perfect, and the next, it feels like the world is crashing down. The inability to predict or manage these shifts can lead to a profound sense of isolation and frustration.
The Monster Within
This monster is not inherently evil but is a force that demands attention, often in disruptive ways. It can manifest as rage that feels uncontrollable, as pain that is deep and unrelenting, and as loneliness that is all-consuming.
“So in rage, so in pain, so alone…”
These intense feelings can lead to destructive behaviors, both towards oneself and others. Outbursts of anger can strain relationships, while the deep pain can lead to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. The loneliness can feel like an endless void, making it hard to connect with others or seek help.
The Fight for Control
One of the most challenging aspects of living with such intense emotions is the lack of control. Many neurodivergent individuals strive for stability, yet their brains seem wired to sabotage these efforts.
“There is no control whatsoever.”
This lack of control can be terrifying. It can lead to a constant state of vigilance, always waiting for the next emotional wave to hit. It can also result in a deep sense of guilt and shame, as if the person is somehow failing at being “normal.”
Embracing the Monster
The journey towards emotional regulation and self-acceptance is ongoing. It involves recognizing that the “monster within” is a part of who you are but does not define you. It means finding ways to channel that emotional intensity into positive outlets, whether through creative expression, physical activity, or advocacy.
Neurodivergent individuals have unique strengths and perspectives that enrich our world. By understanding and supporting their emotional experiences, we can create a more inclusive and compassionate society.
The emotional turmoil experienced by neurodivergent individuals is profound and often misunderstood. Describing it as a monster within highlights the struggle for control and the intensity of these emotions. With empathy, support, and appropriate interventions, it is possible to manage these feelings and lead a fulfilling life. Remember, the monster is not an enemy but a part of the vibrant, complex tapestry of neurodivergent identity.
Marzieh B blog 