Have you ever pondered your thoughts without understanding the process behind them? Am I truly the one thinking? There comes a moment of self-realization when one can no longer distinguish between the processes and underlying events.
I was sitting in an auditorium, listening to a symphony by Beethoven and other composers, performed by professionals in celebration of Greek ATLAS. I was sleep-deprived and utterly exhausted. The melody filled the air, the harsh tones of violins and cellos resonating within me. I felt both aggravated and sad simultaneously. As time passed, recognizing my feelings became impossible. I was in turmoil, feeling excruciatingly annoyed yet fascinated. Near the end, something deep inside me shouted, “Stop it, Marzieh. How far are you willing to go? How long will you let this happen? Do you hate yourself that much? Open your eyes; you already know the truth.”
The realization struck me—an overwhelming sense of betrayal mixed with relief at not falling into the web that had slowly knitted around me. It could have been much worse, and I recognized that in time. Throughout this process, I learned more about myself. What I wanted was not what I thought I wanted. I am a different person, and who I am is, at the very least, a gift and blessing to myself.
When one is neurodivergent, understanding gut feelings like a neurotypical person does is challenging. My mind says one thing while my gut says another. I’ve thought about this extensively. I believe that the subconscious, the underlying algorithm in our brains that organizes everything in our bodies, is connected to our gut feelings. The conscious mind is merely a shallow representation, often overrated and mostly useless compared to the subconscious. With the conscious mind, we make random decisions and often regret the consequences. Gut feelings are crucial for understanding what’s happening in our minds. As a neurodivergent person, I lack this connection—or perhaps I don’t fully understand it.
But through my experiences, I know I have the same gut feelings as a neurotypical person; I just don’t understand them. I have decided to do something about this. I need to develop a tool unique to myself, or perhaps for any other neurodivergent individuals out there who are struggling and frustrated with this way of living.
I know that many approaches already exist. By combining these approaches, I can develop a personalized toolkit to better understand and interpret my gut feelings. The key is to be patient and persistent in exploring different methods until I find what works best for me. I will write about this more, as journaling could be very helpful in understanding things that happen all the time and that I often ignore.
Marzieh B blog 