She was laying down on her belly and playing with her fingers. She gave them imaginary characters and made them talk to each other. The 4 years old was in her world of imagination, somehow enjoying herself. Meanwhile she heard her parents were talking about her. Mother noticed that something is off with her child and she is not playing as usual. So she want to take her to doctor for checkup.
She realized something on that moment without knowing it, something got imprinted in her, if I am sick Mom can notice it, which means she cares about me. She was getting that signal without comprehending what is going on. She was sick most of the time then to get her mom’s attention. She had a disable brother, a center of attention, the one that her mom care about the most. The girl was older and sicker. The girl wanted his dad attention too. Dad likes smart girl, so she became smarter, Dad likes her to be independent so she became independent.
No boys in her life, she wonders why. She had someone when she was 7. They were happily playing together. He was her second cousin. She felt protected and safe with him, he kept the bullies far from her. Little she knew, it was only for a short time, their parents had deep meaningless issues and they stop all the connections with each other on one day suddenly. She was only 7 , she wanted to go out and find him and play with him. But he was not there anymore. They took him away, no good bye no closure, no nothing, just the feeling of being abandoned. She was waiting for him for a very long time. He never came. That was so painful, she never let anyone else in. This and many other incidents in her life growing up, fear of death during the war, fear of being abandoned, fear of not being loved, seeing death of many people, old and young. She was the Logical girl. She followed the rules coming from school and society no emotion attached. Just being what they want her to be. She doesn’t know love and compassion. She had some boyfriends now and then, short time and no intimacy of course. Everyone who came to her life didn’t stayed. She was abandoned over and over again. She was getting sick still more than a normal person does. She was an adult subconsciously seeking attention, while she doesn’t need it anymore. All her emotion were sealed in a box in her heart. She never let it out. Of course she loved, but it was intentionally, a logical love. Until her niece was born. She loved her as her own daughter no agenda, unconditional love. She didn’t know it until she lost her to an accident. Love and lost, such a fine line, happened to her again. Every time she had to activate self defend mechanism just for survival. She even got severely sick, she didn’t know if she is going to survive.
All these years after, now she think about it and she see it clearly. “I am not logical person, as a person with magnifying senses, how can I be without emotion.” They were always there. She is starting to acknowledge them, the emotions, the feelings that she had to suppress for her own survival. The one dimensional girl start to realize whole new world of higher dimension. She can feel joy, desire differently. She can be herself for herself… to be continued
Marzieh B blog 