I was looking at the sky, it was so blue and beautiful, the sun was warm enough for you to stay outside as long as you want. A normal day for everyone, a pain free day for me.
I realized a dark spot very far on top of mountains, I could see it was coming closer and getting bigger, suddenly it covered all over the sky and started to rain. I saw it was coming, I knew it is going to be cold, but I did nothing, I just stayed there and wait for it to happen.
It was the time of my life full of strangeness! finally I had no pain. My love life was also not quite right. The entire time we have been together, he had never told me that he loved me. I used to the idea that some men can’t say it. But one day it changed and he said it! That was the day I finally realized he didn’t love me anymore. I knew him, I knew he was lying. what could I do about it? I just needed time to understand and digest it. I felt I was not enough for him. I forgot about myself, I forgot about myself for a long time, I was just living and nothing more. I didn’t see the problem, I just thought I have to fix this. I thought maybe I need more money, so like a crazy person I put my savings into the trading without having any prior knowledge. And I had a guy who supposed to help me to learn. So naive I was to believe on everything he said. That is who I was, so gullible to trust him. Any way on that very day when my ex-boyfriend finally admitted he didn’t love me anymore, I lost everything I had ever earned, even worse I was under debts. This time I truly failed myself.
It was on that moment when it hit me, I was sitting in my room and not thinking about anything, I could hear my own heart biting, it was really fast, but not so much tears. I knew It is going to pass. I knew it was nothing compare to what I had experienced before. Although, It was a though life afterwards, not enough money to rent a good place, and had to work harder to pay my debts. I never surrendered, I stayed strong and did what I could do. Finally in 6 months I was debts free, again I felt the freedom. Still not so much hope for future after all these incidents. There was not so much time to recover from one issue, something else was coming up and who knows what will be the next. It looks like you are in a circle of punishment for every mistake that you have ever done in your life. Doesn’t matter why, I remember the feeling of going down and down, drowning, not able to breath. It was over finally when I embraced it, when I acknowledged myself, this is who I am and I am enough.
Now I can say I am ready for a new chapter in my life.
Marzieh B blog 