The nothing

When you can’t find what you are afraid of just to put yourself outside of your comfort zone. What is the exact limit which being afraid start from? How can you find the box you need to think outside of?

If there is a limit for my though, where is it exactly? I don’t want to be smarter or wiser, I just want to be braver and go further.

Being afraid of something is the place and time you start to give yourself hope, that is the limit. what if I stop giving myself hope, what if I go further and deeper in my fear!

When I was in the operation room waiting to get unconscious, I was able to see everything in my surrounding. The room itself was big with large ceiling, light green colored tiles on the wall and all those large robotic equipment around and above me. there were wires connected to me. A nurse brought a big table, she removed the cover and I could see a lot of knives and scissors in different shapes and sizes. I started to feel it finally. My mind was so loud talking to me “this is it, this is what you were asking about, what will happen if there is nothing afterward. there is a slight chance today that you never wake up.” I felt empty and unfulfilled. I felt deeply alone. not the first time that I had these feelings.

when I was very young 2 or 3 years old. I remember being with my parents and siblings in our basement hiding from the Iraqi bombers. We could hear them when they were flying above us. It may have taken just couple minutes, but I felt it like years. I can remember it so vividly like it was yesterday. My mom hold me so tight, my head was on her chest, I could feel my mother’s fear, I could hear her heart was beating fast. When I was with my mom I always felt safe, in her arm was the safest place in the world, however in that very moment, I knew something is not right I felt her fear and I started to be afraid, I realized she can not protect me. I felt the nothingness of not being safe, no matter who is with you when you are dying you feel alone.

On the day of operation, I felt that again. My mind went further and deeper this time, looking for some meaning, something beyond my logical mind. “I will disappear, my name will disappear, my memories will disappear, I will become nothing, no one will ever remember me….”

I knew I had to find something to convince my wild mind that it is okay to disappear.

I started to search in my old memories, I remembered her, I could see her face smiling back at me. She (my 6 years old niece) was so special for me, I was there the day she was born, I hold her in my arms, she looked at me I was someone else. I became whole new person, someone who cares someone who loves. she was so cute, beautiful amazing human, so little and so big, so curious and so patient. Her heart was so pure. I didn’t want her to get hurt. I always wanted to be with her. I have always imagined when she become older, I would bring her here and show her how big the world is and how much she can learn. And yet I buried her for ever. I buried myself with her. I wish I could offer my life to bring back hers.

In that very moment, I didn’t feel afraid anymore, I could see her smiling at me, we are made of particles and energy and we are not going to disappear. even if we become dust in the space, we will be together and united, as we have been united before. I felt peace!

I was not afraid of “nothingness ” anymore. I was ready to embrace it.