I am writing my story for many reasons. I am not living in the past, I am just reviewing it. Writing make me feel empowered and strong again. There is a beauty in whatever that have happened to me and I want to share it.
Since I can remember, I have always been characterized as highly sensitive person. My senses are stronger, my feelings are deeper. I don’t see it as a weakness. As a matter of fact I am one of the strongest person I know. I had encountered many deaths in my life, grandpa, grandma, aunts, uncles even a friend in secondary school. Basically every couple of years I have lost someone. I almost got used to it. But loosing my sister and my nieces were different. I felt like I lost a piece of myself. I have tried so hard to find and embrace that piece of me, so far no success. I tried meditation, sports, spiritual courses, nothing helped. In this journey to find myself I have faced things, I have never thought can happen to me. A year after that summer, something else happened, not to my loved ones but to me. I got very sick so much so that I underwent an operation on November 2017 in a hospital in Cracow, Poland far away from home and family. unfortunately the situation was much worse than I or my doctor thought. He had to make decision for saving my life during the operation. I was bleeding so intensively and there was not so much time left. So he removed my uterus and saved my life. I survived that day, however, apparently hysterectomy for a woman in my age is very dangerous. consequently I started to have internal bleeding in the next day, therefor second operation became essential. I still remember the excruciating pain I had after both operations, no pain killer eased my pain, just because I was using them a lot in the last three months. They were injecting me different types of painkiller for hours until I felt nauseated. I wish that was the end of it, however, the next day after second operation I started to faint, and seeing vertigo. It got worse with the pain in my chest, evidently I was dying. Someone save my life or so many people did . I owe my life to them and to science as well. Tomography proved that I had post operation pneumonia. I was giving myself hope and saying to myself that all this thing in future will be a joke and I can tell it to my friend and we will laugh about it. This, too shall pass. tomorrow, it will be yesterday, next month it will be last month and next year I will not even remember it, soon it will be history.
After all, I realized that I need to pay more attention to my health. I failed myself because I didn’t take care of me properly. Since then I characterized myself as one of my loved ones. I finally made peace with myself or I though so until the next summer, something else was cooking up against me. Everything I did to make things right blow up in my face and I failed again.
( In this story I left out many details, I will definitely write them in the final version of my journal.)
Marzieh B blog 