The story of how I failed, part one.

I was thinking about last couple of years of my life, it happened so fast and so slow while I was stuck in it..

I was happy and successful, already embraced the changes in my life. In September 2015 I moved from Iran to Poland to start my PhD study, I was almost 30 years old. this time of my life was pretty overwhelming, new country, new people, new culture, I was ready to accept and adapt. I have always wanted better life for myself. my dream was freedom. I wanted to be rich, have love in my life and of course being successful in my career, year 2015 and 2016 were the time I thought I had it all. I got accepted as PhD student with Marie Curie fellowship in Poland. Getting paid in Euro was a big advantage for me, I could save 70 percent of my salary and still have very nice life. I started to date a polish guy, my college. In my career I always was the best, so no need to mention that.

To be completely honest I had some issues with my boyfriend which I ignored. and I had some difficulty with the people I was working with which I manged to change. So not everything was perfect, However, overall was the best time of my career. In my first holidays I bought a lot of gifts and souvenirs for my family and flew back to Iran. I remember How happy I was with all of those beautiful moment, that finally I made something from myself and I could share it with my family. Little I knew what was about to happen in the summer 2016, which changed my life forever.

It was moderately warm summer, It was a special holiday in Poland, the Pope was visiting Cracow for couple of days, and so many tourist were in the city. So as everyone encouraging me to go and see the event, my boyfriend and I decided to go to see the event. We got in the bus, I still can remember my feelings, I was pretty down, and after two bus stops, I told my boyfriend that I want to go back home because I didn’t feel well. I thought it might be the time of the month! we went back home, I couldn’t really figure it out, there was something fundamentally wrong with me as I told my boyfriend.

so he suggested maybe I am homesick. Anyway I spent that night with bad feeling watching movies. I woke up next day feeling even worse because I had terrible dream.

I explained it to my boyfriend as much as I could remember. ” I was in my childhood home with my parents and two of my siblings. my sister Neda told me that someone from my family (which I couldn’t remember who after I woke up) are practicing and getting prepared for going to space. I was arguing if there is such a possibility why they didn’t tell me, maybe I wanted to go too, every one knows that is my dream to go to space, while I was talking to her, I heard a very loud noise of explosion, we ran to the yard and I saw the spacecraft is already moving toward outer space. I burst in tears and started to cry out-loud ” why? why they didn’t say goodbye! why they didn’t take me with them!” and started to realized that I am not going to see them any more, they are gone forever! and I woke up shaking. I never forgot that feeling. My boyfriend just told me, the only thing he could say ” It was just a dream and it is because you watched too much science fiction movies”.

Later that day I got a phone call from Iran, it was Neda, she was crying and I couldn’t quite understand her at first. But after a while I started to understand her. Indeed it was very bad news. there was an accident and my big sister Susan and her daughter were already dead!

I was not able to talk for moment. she said you have to come back, my sister Mah, her husband and her daughter were also in the accident, and they were in hospital.

that was the worst day of my life. I can’t explain how much pain I was carrying in my chest. I didn’t know that is going to be even worst. Such horrible tragedy. The moment I was in the airport in Vienna waiting for the next flight to Tehran was so difficult. Being all by myself and thinking the worst, “what if I loose the others”. I was going around and buying gifts for them, and convincing myself that they are going to be fine. That was the time I realized that money is worthless, I can’t do anything with money to fix it and bring them back. I was standing near the gate when I got a text message from Neda. she wrote “Arezo is gone”. my six years old niece was also not among us anymore. I couldn’t believe any of it, for a moment I was deaf and blind. not able to hear and see and comprehend.

I though maybe it is another dream and I am going to wake up soon. it is 4 years now and I didn’t wake up yet.